Pink Flag Audio
Module: 46
From Watching to Doing
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Transcript
There’s a saying in therapy that goes something like this: “It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem.”
If we apply that to porn, the question becomes: is porn having a negative impact on their health, their work, their finances, or their relationships? If you ask most guys, they’ll tell you no. Of course not. It’s harmless, private, nothing to worry about. But we know that’s not true.
So let’s talk about it. We now know porn can destroy relationships, but is it actually cheating? Well, let’s compare it. Imagine your boyfriend went out and had sex with his ex. That’s absolutely cheating. He had a sexual experience with someone else, he did it behind your back, he lied to your face about it, and now you’re left feeling betrayed, insecure, and not enough.
Now swap out “his ex” for porn. He may not be physically touching another woman, but he’s still having a sexual experience with other women. Tick. He’s doing it behind your back. Tick. He’s lying to your face about it. Tick. And the way it makes you feel, the pain, the self-doubt, the broken trust, it’s exactly the same. Tick.
Porn checks every single box. The same boxes as cheating with someone else. That’s why so many women say that finding out their partner watches porn feels just like finding out he slept with someone else.
And the research backs this up. One study spoke with over 200 women . For half of them, their husband watched porn, and the other half had husbands who had affairs. Both groups reported the same levels of hurt and betrayal. Whether it was online or in person, the pain was the same. That tells us something important: your brain and your heart don’t separate the two. Betrayal feels like betrayal. And the worst part is, he might tell you he’s attracted to you, but it doesn’t matter, because you’ve seen who he’s looking at, and they don’t look like you. It messes with your head.
But it doesn’t end there. Porn doesn’t just feel like cheating, it’s actually a major red flag for cheating. It’s like a gateway drug to infidelity.
Like we talked about before, over time the same videos don’t give the same high. The brain starts craving more. More variety, more intensity, more extreme content. And eventually, the screen isn’t enough anymore. That’s when guys start looking for the real thing. Secret Tinder profiles. “Happy ending” massages. Hookups. Prostitutes. They need to fulfill the fantasies that porn planted in their head.
And guess what? Studies show exactly that. In 2012, a team of researchers ran five really clever tests to see how porn affects relationships and cheating. The way they set these up was honestly genius, and I want to walk you through them because they tell such a clear story.
In the first study, they surveyed over 300 students who were all in relationships. They asked them two things: how often they watched porn in the past month, and how committed they felt to their partner, things like “Do you see yourself with this person long term?” The results were clear. The more often someone watched porn, the less committed they felt. For men, going from watching porn once a month to multiple times a week was linked with a massive drop in how committed they felt to their relationship.
The second study was more hands-on. Couples came into the lab and did a little teamwork exercise. One person was blindfolded, and the other had to guide them to draw a picture. The researchers filmed everything. Then they had strangers watch those recordings and rate how loving and supportive each partner seemed. And again, the pattern held. The people who used more porn came across as less warm, less encouraging, and less committed. Strangers could literally see the difference just by watching how they treated their partner.
The third study was an experiment. They took regular porn users and split them into two groups. One group had to quit porn for three weeks, and the other had to quit their favorite food for three weeks. At the end, they asked questions like, “How likely do you think you’ll still be with your partner in the future—in one year, five years, fifteen years?” The difference was huge. The people who gave up porn suddenly felt way more confident that their relationship would last. The ones who kept watching? They couldn’t picture a future with their partner. This study showed porn itself was the problem.
The fourth study looked at flirting. Everyone was in a committed relationship, but the researchers set them up in a fake “social media” test where they had to chat online with a stranger of the opposite sex. That stranger was actually part of the study and was trained to flirt. And sure enough, the more porn someone watched, the more flirty they were back. Porn use predicted who would lean into chatting with someone new, even though they already had a partner.
And the fifth and final study was the simplest. The researchers just asked people two things: “How much porn do you watch?” and “Have you cheated on your partner in the past year?” The results spoke for themselves. People who used porn were more likely to admit to cheating, and more likely to say they had casual hookups on the side. Porn wasn’t just linked to lower commitment—it was linked to actual infidelity.
So across all five studies, the pattern was the same. Porn use goes up, commitment goes down. People act colder to their partners, flirt more with strangers, and are more likely to cheat. No matter how they tested it, the outcome was the same: porn is a major red flag for cheating.
So why is this happening? Why does porn lower commitment and make cheating more likely? A psychologist named Kyler Rasmussen dug into this in 2016 , and he found three major reasons.
First, porn changes how someone sees their partner. When they’re constantly looking at porn, they start comparing their partner to those fake scenes with edited bodies and lots of plastic surgery. And of course, their partner never measures up. Suddenly she doesn’t look as attractive—not because she changed, but because his brain did.
Second, porn makes people believe the grass is greener somewhere else. It feeds the idea that there are endless options out there—more exciting, more adventurous, more satisfying than what they already have at home.
And third, porn shifts their moral rules. The more they watch, the more acceptable cheating starts to feel. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.
Put those three together, and it makes sense why porn use is such a red flag for cheating. It chips away at how they see you, it makes them think they deserve something else, and it lowers the guilt of stepping out.
The truth is you’ll never be able to compete with porn. . As marriage guru, Sheila Wray Gregoire puts it in her blog:
“He would still have watched porn if you had bigger breasts. If you were skinnier, if you were prettier, if you were built differently. You cannot compete with pornography, because it’s not about you. Porn and sex are polar opposites. Porn says, ‘I want to use you for my own gratification.’ Sex says, ‘I want to know you deeply and experience something with you.’”
That’s the bottom line. Porn doesn’t just sit quietly in the background. It changes how they see you, how they act in the relationship, and whether they stay faithful. It’s not just a “bad habit.” It’s a flashing red warning sign for cheating.
Read More
Transcript
There’s a saying in therapy that goes something like this: “It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem.”
If we apply that to porn, the question becomes: is porn having a negative impact on their health, their work, their finances, or their relationships? If you ask most guys, they’ll tell you no. Of course not. It’s harmless, private, nothing to worry about. But we know that’s not true.
So let’s talk about it. We now know porn can destroy relationships, but is it actually cheating? Well, let’s compare it. Imagine your boyfriend went out and had sex with his ex. That’s absolutely cheating. He had a sexual experience with someone else, he did it behind your back, he lied to your face about it, and now you’re left feeling betrayed, insecure, and not enough.
Now swap out “his ex” for porn. He may not be physically touching another woman, but he’s still having a sexual experience with other women. Tick. He’s doing it behind your back. Tick. He’s lying to your face about it. Tick. And the way it makes you feel, the pain, the self-doubt, the broken trust, it’s exactly the same. Tick.
Porn checks every single box. The same boxes as cheating with someone else. That’s why so many women say that finding out their partner watches porn feels just like finding out he slept with someone else.
And the research backs this up. One study spoke with over 200 women . For half of them, their husband watched porn, and the other half had husbands who had affairs. Both groups reported the same levels of hurt and betrayal. Whether it was online or in person, the pain was the same. That tells us something important: your brain and your heart don’t separate the two. Betrayal feels like betrayal. And the worst part is, he might tell you he’s attracted to you, but it doesn’t matter, because you’ve seen who he’s looking at, and they don’t look like you. It messes with your head.
But it doesn’t end there. Porn doesn’t just feel like cheating, it’s actually a major red flag for cheating. It’s like a gateway drug to infidelity.
Like we talked about before, over time the same videos don’t give the same high. The brain starts craving more. More variety, more intensity, more extreme content. And eventually, the screen isn’t enough anymore. That’s when guys start looking for the real thing. Secret Tinder profiles. “Happy ending” massages. Hookups. Prostitutes. They need to fulfill the fantasies that porn planted in their head.
And guess what? Studies show exactly that. In 2012, a team of researchers ran five really clever tests to see how porn affects relationships and cheating. The way they set these up was honestly genius, and I want to walk you through them because they tell such a clear story.
In the first study, they surveyed over 300 students who were all in relationships. They asked them two things: how often they watched porn in the past month, and how committed they felt to their partner, things like “Do you see yourself with this person long term?” The results were clear. The more often someone watched porn, the less committed they felt. For men, going from watching porn once a month to multiple times a week was linked with a massive drop in how committed they felt to their relationship.
The second study was more hands-on. Couples came into the lab and did a little teamwork exercise. One person was blindfolded, and the other had to guide them to draw a picture. The researchers filmed everything. Then they had strangers watch those recordings and rate how loving and supportive each partner seemed. And again, the pattern held. The people who used more porn came across as less warm, less encouraging, and less committed. Strangers could literally see the difference just by watching how they treated their partner.
The third study was an experiment. They took regular porn users and split them into two groups. One group had to quit porn for three weeks, and the other had to quit their favorite food for three weeks. At the end, they asked questions like, “How likely do you think you’ll still be with your partner in the future—in one year, five years, fifteen years?” The difference was huge. The people who gave up porn suddenly felt way more confident that their relationship would last. The ones who kept watching? They couldn’t picture a future with their partner. This study showed porn itself was the problem.
The fourth study looked at flirting. Everyone was in a committed relationship, but the researchers set them up in a fake “social media” test where they had to chat online with a stranger of the opposite sex. That stranger was actually part of the study and was trained to flirt. And sure enough, the more porn someone watched, the more flirty they were back. Porn use predicted who would lean into chatting with someone new, even though they already had a partner.
And the fifth and final study was the simplest. The researchers just asked people two things: “How much porn do you watch?” and “Have you cheated on your partner in the past year?” The results spoke for themselves. People who used porn were more likely to admit to cheating, and more likely to say they had casual hookups on the side. Porn wasn’t just linked to lower commitment—it was linked to actual infidelity.
So across all five studies, the pattern was the same. Porn use goes up, commitment goes down. People act colder to their partners, flirt more with strangers, and are more likely to cheat. No matter how they tested it, the outcome was the same: porn is a major red flag for cheating.
So why is this happening? Why does porn lower commitment and make cheating more likely? A psychologist named Kyler Rasmussen dug into this in 2016 , and he found three major reasons.
First, porn changes how someone sees their partner. When they’re constantly looking at porn, they start comparing their partner to those fake scenes with edited bodies and lots of plastic surgery. And of course, their partner never measures up. Suddenly she doesn’t look as attractive—not because she changed, but because his brain did.
Second, porn makes people believe the grass is greener somewhere else. It feeds the idea that there are endless options out there—more exciting, more adventurous, more satisfying than what they already have at home.
And third, porn shifts their moral rules. The more they watch, the more acceptable cheating starts to feel. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.
Put those three together, and it makes sense why porn use is such a red flag for cheating. It chips away at how they see you, it makes them think they deserve something else, and it lowers the guilt of stepping out.
The truth is you’ll never be able to compete with porn. . As marriage guru, Sheila Wray Gregoire puts it in her blog:
“He would still have watched porn if you had bigger breasts. If you were skinnier, if you were prettier, if you were built differently. You cannot compete with pornography, because it’s not about you. Porn and sex are polar opposites. Porn says, ‘I want to use you for my own gratification.’ Sex says, ‘I want to know you deeply and experience something with you.’”
That’s the bottom line. Porn doesn’t just sit quietly in the background. It changes how they see you, how they act in the relationship, and whether they stay faithful. It’s not just a “bad habit.” It’s a flashing red warning sign for cheating.
Read More
Transcript
There’s a saying in therapy that goes something like this: “It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem.”
If we apply that to porn, the question becomes: is porn having a negative impact on their health, their work, their finances, or their relationships? If you ask most guys, they’ll tell you no. Of course not. It’s harmless, private, nothing to worry about. But we know that’s not true.
So let’s talk about it. We now know porn can destroy relationships, but is it actually cheating? Well, let’s compare it. Imagine your boyfriend went out and had sex with his ex. That’s absolutely cheating. He had a sexual experience with someone else, he did it behind your back, he lied to your face about it, and now you’re left feeling betrayed, insecure, and not enough.
Now swap out “his ex” for porn. He may not be physically touching another woman, but he’s still having a sexual experience with other women. Tick. He’s doing it behind your back. Tick. He’s lying to your face about it. Tick. And the way it makes you feel, the pain, the self-doubt, the broken trust, it’s exactly the same. Tick.
Porn checks every single box. The same boxes as cheating with someone else. That’s why so many women say that finding out their partner watches porn feels just like finding out he slept with someone else.
And the research backs this up. One study spoke with over 200 women . For half of them, their husband watched porn, and the other half had husbands who had affairs. Both groups reported the same levels of hurt and betrayal. Whether it was online or in person, the pain was the same. That tells us something important: your brain and your heart don’t separate the two. Betrayal feels like betrayal. And the worst part is, he might tell you he’s attracted to you, but it doesn’t matter, because you’ve seen who he’s looking at, and they don’t look like you. It messes with your head.
But it doesn’t end there. Porn doesn’t just feel like cheating, it’s actually a major red flag for cheating. It’s like a gateway drug to infidelity.
Like we talked about before, over time the same videos don’t give the same high. The brain starts craving more. More variety, more intensity, more extreme content. And eventually, the screen isn’t enough anymore. That’s when guys start looking for the real thing. Secret Tinder profiles. “Happy ending” massages. Hookups. Prostitutes. They need to fulfill the fantasies that porn planted in their head.
And guess what? Studies show exactly that. In 2012, a team of researchers ran five really clever tests to see how porn affects relationships and cheating. The way they set these up was honestly genius, and I want to walk you through them because they tell such a clear story.
In the first study, they surveyed over 300 students who were all in relationships. They asked them two things: how often they watched porn in the past month, and how committed they felt to their partner, things like “Do you see yourself with this person long term?” The results were clear. The more often someone watched porn, the less committed they felt. For men, going from watching porn once a month to multiple times a week was linked with a massive drop in how committed they felt to their relationship.
The second study was more hands-on. Couples came into the lab and did a little teamwork exercise. One person was blindfolded, and the other had to guide them to draw a picture. The researchers filmed everything. Then they had strangers watch those recordings and rate how loving and supportive each partner seemed. And again, the pattern held. The people who used more porn came across as less warm, less encouraging, and less committed. Strangers could literally see the difference just by watching how they treated their partner.
The third study was an experiment. They took regular porn users and split them into two groups. One group had to quit porn for three weeks, and the other had to quit their favorite food for three weeks. At the end, they asked questions like, “How likely do you think you’ll still be with your partner in the future—in one year, five years, fifteen years?” The difference was huge. The people who gave up porn suddenly felt way more confident that their relationship would last. The ones who kept watching? They couldn’t picture a future with their partner. This study showed porn itself was the problem.
The fourth study looked at flirting. Everyone was in a committed relationship, but the researchers set them up in a fake “social media” test where they had to chat online with a stranger of the opposite sex. That stranger was actually part of the study and was trained to flirt. And sure enough, the more porn someone watched, the more flirty they were back. Porn use predicted who would lean into chatting with someone new, even though they already had a partner.
And the fifth and final study was the simplest. The researchers just asked people two things: “How much porn do you watch?” and “Have you cheated on your partner in the past year?” The results spoke for themselves. People who used porn were more likely to admit to cheating, and more likely to say they had casual hookups on the side. Porn wasn’t just linked to lower commitment—it was linked to actual infidelity.
So across all five studies, the pattern was the same. Porn use goes up, commitment goes down. People act colder to their partners, flirt more with strangers, and are more likely to cheat. No matter how they tested it, the outcome was the same: porn is a major red flag for cheating.
So why is this happening? Why does porn lower commitment and make cheating more likely? A psychologist named Kyler Rasmussen dug into this in 2016 , and he found three major reasons.
First, porn changes how someone sees their partner. When they’re constantly looking at porn, they start comparing their partner to those fake scenes with edited bodies and lots of plastic surgery. And of course, their partner never measures up. Suddenly she doesn’t look as attractive—not because she changed, but because his brain did.
Second, porn makes people believe the grass is greener somewhere else. It feeds the idea that there are endless options out there—more exciting, more adventurous, more satisfying than what they already have at home.
And third, porn shifts their moral rules. The more they watch, the more acceptable cheating starts to feel. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal anymore.
Put those three together, and it makes sense why porn use is such a red flag for cheating. It chips away at how they see you, it makes them think they deserve something else, and it lowers the guilt of stepping out.
The truth is you’ll never be able to compete with porn. . As marriage guru, Sheila Wray Gregoire puts it in her blog:
“He would still have watched porn if you had bigger breasts. If you were skinnier, if you were prettier, if you were built differently. You cannot compete with pornography, because it’s not about you. Porn and sex are polar opposites. Porn says, ‘I want to use you for my own gratification.’ Sex says, ‘I want to know you deeply and experience something with you.’”
That’s the bottom line. Porn doesn’t just sit quietly in the background. It changes how they see you, how they act in the relationship, and whether they stay faithful. It’s not just a “bad habit.” It’s a flashing red warning sign for cheating.