Defensiveness

When you really look at all red flags we’ve talked about so far they’re all really just a symptom of a much deeper problem: the slow erosion of trust. There’s a quote that sums this up well: “Without communication, there’s no relationship. Without respect, there’s no love. And without trust, there’s no reason to continue.”

So what happens when that trust starts to crack and you try to talk about it?

When you ask a simple question, someone with something to hide won’t give you a straight answer. They’ll get defensive. And defensiveness is what The Gottman Institute calls one of the Four Horsemen behaviors that predict divorce. When someone becomes defensive, it shuts down any chance of an honest conversation. Instead of addressing the issue, a defensive partner immediately flips it around, making you feel like you’re the problem just for asking.

You see it when you ask something simple like, “Who were you texting?” and they fire back with, “Why are you so controlling? You’re suffocating me.” Suddenly, the focus isn’t on their suspicious behavior anymore. It’s on your supposed “trust issues,” and now you’re stuck defending yourself.

As affair recovery expert Jeff Murrah points out, cheaters often act more like children than adults when they’re confronted. Instead of having a calm, adult conversation, they throw a tantrum. Slamming doors. Yelling. Giving you the silent treatment for days. It’s the same energy as a kid screaming in a store because they can’t have candy. The outburst is designed to scare you into backing off and dropping the subject.

There was a story online that shows this perfectly. A woman, feeling insecure, calmly asked her boyfriend if they could look through his phone together for reassurance. She wasn’t yelling or accusing him, just asking. He refused, got angrier and more defensive, and eventually blew up, telling her the relationship was over. He never answered her question or showed her the phone. He just walked out.

This is a classic cheater move. By leaving first, he gets to control the narrative. To the outside world, he’s the poor guy who had to escape his “crazy, paranoid” girlfriend. She’s left with no proof, just a gut feeling that everyone else dismisses, while he gets to look calm and rational. That’s the power of a defensive tantrum.

But here’s what I really want you to hear.

A man who truly loves you and has nothing to hide won’t do that. A good partner actually wants you to feel safe and secure. He understands that many of us have been hurt before and sometimes just need reassurance.

Writer Montana James explains this beautifully when talking about her own relationship. She says her boyfriend has no problem with her looking at his phone. When she’s feeling anxious, she’ll check it, find nothing, and immediately feel calm. Over time, his openness built so much trust that she doesn’t even feel the need to check anymore. He doesn’t take it personally because he knows her anxiety isn’t an attack on him. It’s a wound from her past that he’s helping her heal.

That’s what love looks like.

It’s a partner who says, “Here, look if you need to,” instead of blowing up. It’s someone who understands that trust is built through consistency, not secrecy.

So when you see someone getting defensive and throwing fits over their phone, remember this: it’s almost never about a need for “privacy.” It’s about protecting secrets. A loving partner doesn’t make you feel crazy for needing reassurance. They give it freely. Because they know that without trust, there’s no reason to continue.