Transcript
Over the last few modules, we looked at whether your partner is actually trustworthy. Now it’s time to go deeper and explore the psychology of who cheats and, more importantly, why they do it. Because after being cheated on, it’s the one question so many women ask themselves: “Was this just a stupid mistake, or is this who he’s always been?” Once the shock wears off, it's hard not to wonder if he just messed up once or if he was always capable of this and you just couldn't see it.
There’s a helpful way to think about this. Psychologists talk about the difference between someone’s state and their traits.
A state is temporary. It’s like the weather. Think about when he comes home in a bad mood because work was terrible. He’s grumpy and quiet, but you know it’s not really him, it’s just a mood that will pass. That’s a state.
A trait, on the other hand, is like the climate. It’s part of who someone is, deep down. It’s their default setting. A trait isn’t something that just happens to a person; it’s something that comes from them. It’s not a bad mood, it’s bad character.
And cheating? Cheating can never be just a state. It’s impossible for it to be just “one bad night” or “I wasn’t thinking.”
Why? Because cheating isn’t one single action. It’s a whole series of deliberate choices: deleting texts, hiding phone calls, lying about where you were. It’s looking you in the eye and saying “I love you” while texting someone else behind your back. It’s inventing entire fake stories about working late. It’s lying to your face over and over again.
Even a one-night stand can involve dozens of these little lies. A full-blown affair? That’s hundreds, maybe thousands of individual moments where he chose deception. That isn’t a “dumb mistake,” it’s a pattern of behavior that reveals who someone is at their core. This is a trait.
Researchers have looked into this exact thing, spending years studying the personalities of people who manipulate, lack empathy, and use others. Across thousands of cases, the same three traits kept appearing, so consistently that in 2002, psychologists Paulhus and Williams gave them a name: The Dark Triad.
The Dark Triad is basically the recipe for a cheater. It’s a mix of three personality traits, and once you see them, everything about his behavior will start to make sense.
The first ingredient is Narcissism. This is the core belief that “I am special, and the rules don’t apply to me.” In his mind, the world revolves around him and you’re just a character in his story. He believes he deserves more than other people, more attention, more admiration, and yes, more partners. Your feelings are secondary to his desires.
Next is Machiavellianism. This is the master manipulator. For him, life is a game and people are just pieces on the board to be moved around. Every word and every action is a calculated move to get what he wants. He doesn’t feel bad about lying; to him, it’s just a tool to win.
And lastly, Psychopathy. These are the ones who cheat, lie, and betray without feeling anything. No guilt. No shame. They can look you in the eye and lie to your face without blinking.
Now, does this mean all cheaters are full-blown narcissistic psychopaths? No, of course not. But it does mean that every act of cheating requires tapping into this mindset. Every cheater has to believe, on some level, that the rules don’t apply to them. Every cheater has to suppress empathy and ignore the pain their actions will cause you. And every cheater has to be willing to risk blowing up their entire life just to get what they want in that moment. They all borrow from the Dark Triad, whether it’s just a little or a whole lot.
What’s truly scary is that men with these Dark Triad traits often go after women just like you, women who are kind, loyal, and want to see the good in people. The very qualities that make you a wonderful partner are the same ones they exploit.
This is exactly what happened to a woman named Sarah. On the surface, her life looked perfect: a wealthy husband, beautiful homes, kids in private school. She had given up her own career to support her husband, Michael, moving cities for his job and building their entire life around his success. Then she discovered he’d been cheating on her repeatedly. She felt completely stuck, with no money of her own and too ashamed to tell her family. And Michael? He knew exactly how trapped she was. When she finally confronted him, he didn't even bother to deny it. He just looked at her and said, “Why not? You’re not going to leave.”
That’s why it’s so important to understand the Dark Triad. These aren’t just random personality traits. They shape how cheaters think, how they treat people, and how they get away with it.
Over the next few chapters, we’ll break down each trait one by one. You’ll learn how they think, how they move, and most importantly, how to spot the red flags early and protect yourself long before they get the chance to break your heart.
Read More
Transcript
Over the last few modules, we looked at whether your partner is actually trustworthy. Now it’s time to go deeper and explore the psychology of who cheats and, more importantly, why they do it. Because after being cheated on, it’s the one question so many women ask themselves: “Was this just a stupid mistake, or is this who he’s always been?” Once the shock wears off, it's hard not to wonder if he just messed up once or if he was always capable of this and you just couldn't see it.
There’s a helpful way to think about this. Psychologists talk about the difference between someone’s state and their traits.
A state is temporary. It’s like the weather. Think about when he comes home in a bad mood because work was terrible. He’s grumpy and quiet, but you know it’s not really him, it’s just a mood that will pass. That’s a state.
A trait, on the other hand, is like the climate. It’s part of who someone is, deep down. It’s their default setting. A trait isn’t something that just happens to a person; it’s something that comes from them. It’s not a bad mood, it’s bad character.
And cheating? Cheating can never be just a state. It’s impossible for it to be just “one bad night” or “I wasn’t thinking.”
Why? Because cheating isn’t one single action. It’s a whole series of deliberate choices: deleting texts, hiding phone calls, lying about where you were. It’s looking you in the eye and saying “I love you” while texting someone else behind your back. It’s inventing entire fake stories about working late. It’s lying to your face over and over again.
Even a one-night stand can involve dozens of these little lies. A full-blown affair? That’s hundreds, maybe thousands of individual moments where he chose deception. That isn’t a “dumb mistake,” it’s a pattern of behavior that reveals who someone is at their core. This is a trait.
Researchers have looked into this exact thing, spending years studying the personalities of people who manipulate, lack empathy, and use others. Across thousands of cases, the same three traits kept appearing, so consistently that in 2002, psychologists Paulhus and Williams gave them a name: The Dark Triad.
The Dark Triad is basically the recipe for a cheater. It’s a mix of three personality traits, and once you see them, everything about his behavior will start to make sense.
The first ingredient is Narcissism. This is the core belief that “I am special, and the rules don’t apply to me.” In his mind, the world revolves around him and you’re just a character in his story. He believes he deserves more than other people, more attention, more admiration, and yes, more partners. Your feelings are secondary to his desires.
Next is Machiavellianism. This is the master manipulator. For him, life is a game and people are just pieces on the board to be moved around. Every word and every action is a calculated move to get what he wants. He doesn’t feel bad about lying; to him, it’s just a tool to win.
And lastly, Psychopathy. These are the ones who cheat, lie, and betray without feeling anything. No guilt. No shame. They can look you in the eye and lie to your face without blinking.
Now, does this mean all cheaters are full-blown narcissistic psychopaths? No, of course not. But it does mean that every act of cheating requires tapping into this mindset. Every cheater has to believe, on some level, that the rules don’t apply to them. Every cheater has to suppress empathy and ignore the pain their actions will cause you. And every cheater has to be willing to risk blowing up their entire life just to get what they want in that moment. They all borrow from the Dark Triad, whether it’s just a little or a whole lot.
What’s truly scary is that men with these Dark Triad traits often go after women just like you, women who are kind, loyal, and want to see the good in people. The very qualities that make you a wonderful partner are the same ones they exploit.
This is exactly what happened to a woman named Sarah. On the surface, her life looked perfect: a wealthy husband, beautiful homes, kids in private school. She had given up her own career to support her husband, Michael, moving cities for his job and building their entire life around his success. Then she discovered he’d been cheating on her repeatedly. She felt completely stuck, with no money of her own and too ashamed to tell her family. And Michael? He knew exactly how trapped she was. When she finally confronted him, he didn't even bother to deny it. He just looked at her and said, “Why not? You’re not going to leave.”
That’s why it’s so important to understand the Dark Triad. These aren’t just random personality traits. They shape how cheaters think, how they treat people, and how they get away with it.
Over the next few chapters, we’ll break down each trait one by one. You’ll learn how they think, how they move, and most importantly, how to spot the red flags early and protect yourself long before they get the chance to break your heart.
Read More
Transcript
Over the last few modules, we looked at whether your partner is actually trustworthy. Now it’s time to go deeper and explore the psychology of who cheats and, more importantly, why they do it. Because after being cheated on, it’s the one question so many women ask themselves: “Was this just a stupid mistake, or is this who he’s always been?” Once the shock wears off, it's hard not to wonder if he just messed up once or if he was always capable of this and you just couldn't see it.
There’s a helpful way to think about this. Psychologists talk about the difference between someone’s state and their traits.
A state is temporary. It’s like the weather. Think about when he comes home in a bad mood because work was terrible. He’s grumpy and quiet, but you know it’s not really him, it’s just a mood that will pass. That’s a state.
A trait, on the other hand, is like the climate. It’s part of who someone is, deep down. It’s their default setting. A trait isn’t something that just happens to a person; it’s something that comes from them. It’s not a bad mood, it’s bad character.
And cheating? Cheating can never be just a state. It’s impossible for it to be just “one bad night” or “I wasn’t thinking.”
Why? Because cheating isn’t one single action. It’s a whole series of deliberate choices: deleting texts, hiding phone calls, lying about where you were. It’s looking you in the eye and saying “I love you” while texting someone else behind your back. It’s inventing entire fake stories about working late. It’s lying to your face over and over again.
Even a one-night stand can involve dozens of these little lies. A full-blown affair? That’s hundreds, maybe thousands of individual moments where he chose deception. That isn’t a “dumb mistake,” it’s a pattern of behavior that reveals who someone is at their core. This is a trait.
Researchers have looked into this exact thing, spending years studying the personalities of people who manipulate, lack empathy, and use others. Across thousands of cases, the same three traits kept appearing, so consistently that in 2002, psychologists Paulhus and Williams gave them a name: The Dark Triad.
The Dark Triad is basically the recipe for a cheater. It’s a mix of three personality traits, and once you see them, everything about his behavior will start to make sense.
The first ingredient is Narcissism. This is the core belief that “I am special, and the rules don’t apply to me.” In his mind, the world revolves around him and you’re just a character in his story. He believes he deserves more than other people, more attention, more admiration, and yes, more partners. Your feelings are secondary to his desires.
Next is Machiavellianism. This is the master manipulator. For him, life is a game and people are just pieces on the board to be moved around. Every word and every action is a calculated move to get what he wants. He doesn’t feel bad about lying; to him, it’s just a tool to win.
And lastly, Psychopathy. These are the ones who cheat, lie, and betray without feeling anything. No guilt. No shame. They can look you in the eye and lie to your face without blinking.
Now, does this mean all cheaters are full-blown narcissistic psychopaths? No, of course not. But it does mean that every act of cheating requires tapping into this mindset. Every cheater has to believe, on some level, that the rules don’t apply to them. Every cheater has to suppress empathy and ignore the pain their actions will cause you. And every cheater has to be willing to risk blowing up their entire life just to get what they want in that moment. They all borrow from the Dark Triad, whether it’s just a little or a whole lot.
What’s truly scary is that men with these Dark Triad traits often go after women just like you, women who are kind, loyal, and want to see the good in people. The very qualities that make you a wonderful partner are the same ones they exploit.
This is exactly what happened to a woman named Sarah. On the surface, her life looked perfect: a wealthy husband, beautiful homes, kids in private school. She had given up her own career to support her husband, Michael, moving cities for his job and building their entire life around his success. Then she discovered he’d been cheating on her repeatedly. She felt completely stuck, with no money of her own and too ashamed to tell her family. And Michael? He knew exactly how trapped she was. When she finally confronted him, he didn't even bother to deny it. He just looked at her and said, “Why not? You’re not going to leave.”
That’s why it’s so important to understand the Dark Triad. These aren’t just random personality traits. They shape how cheaters think, how they treat people, and how they get away with it.
Over the next few chapters, we’ll break down each trait one by one. You’ll learn how they think, how they move, and most importantly, how to spot the red flags early and protect yourself long before they get the chance to break your heart.