Transcript
Alright, so we’ve spent all this time learning how to spot the red flags, the narcissists, the manipulators, the liars. But what about the opposite? What about the good ones? I don’t mean the ones who are just good at faking it. I mean the ones who are, deep down, genuinely good people.
In 2019, a researcher named Scott Barry Kaufman and his team decided to answer that exact question. After years of studying toxic personality traits, they asked something different: what traits do genuinely kind, emotionally mature people have?
What they found is something they called the Light Triad. You can think of it as the green-flag version of the Dark Triad.
It’s made up of three core qualities.
The first is something called Kantianism, which is really just a way of asking this: does he see people as human beings, or as tools to get what he wants? Someone high in this trait treats everyone with basic respect, whether it’s a CEO or the person clearing his table. His friendships are real, not just a network of people he can use. He values you for who you are, not for what you can do for him or how you make him look.
This connects directly to the next trait, Humanism. This is about a basic belief in the dignity of other people. You see it most clearly in how he handles conflict or power. Pay attention to how he talks about his exes or how he deals with drama at work. Does he stay respectful even when he’s angry? Can he disagree without trying to humiliate or destroy someone? Even when he doesn’t like a person, he still believes they deserve to be treated decently.
The foundation of all of this is the third trait, Faith in Humanity. This just means he believes that, at their core, people are mostly good. This isn’t about being naive or letting people walk all over him. It’s about not starting from a place of suspicion. He can trust the right people, build real connections, and still have healthy boundaries.
For a Dark Triad person, faking these traits is like wearing a heavy mask all day. It takes constant effort, and sooner or later, that mask slips. But for a genuinely good person, there is no mask. These traits are just part of who he is.
So the big question becomes: how do you actually figure out where someone falls on this spectrum?
This is where the research gets really useful. Researchers have identified questions that are surprisingly good at revealing these deeper traits. Some you can ask directly while you’re getting to know someone. Others are better kept in the back of your mind as you watch how he moves through the world.
Let’s start with a simple but powerful one: “What was the last nice thing you did for someone?”
Someone who genuinely has Light Triad traits will usually have a real answer. He might say something like, “Last week I saw my elderly neighbor struggling with her groceries, so I helped her carry them inside. We started talking, and now I check in on her sometimes to see if she needs anything.” There’s no angle there. He saw someone who needed help and helped. It even turned into a real connection because he actually likes people.
Now compare that to something like, “I bought my boss coffee last month. It’s smart to stay on their good side. They’ve been way more flexible with my schedule since then.” Hear the difference? That “kindness” was completely strategic. It was about what he could get out of it. For him, everything is a transaction, and that’s something to pay attention to.
Here’s another good one: “How do you feel when your friends succeed?”
A green-flag answer sounds like genuine excitement. “I was so pumped when Mick got that promotion. He worked so hard for it, and honestly, seeing him win makes me want to push myself more too.” He’s happy for other people and doesn’t see their success as a threat.
Now compare that to, “Yeah, Tom got a new job. Must be nice to have connections in that industry. I mean, good for him, but I could probably do even better if I had those opportunities.” You can feel the dig in that answer. He can’t just celebrate someone else. He has to compare, compete, or knock them down a little.
You could also ask something like this: “If you dropped your wallet with $200 cash in it, do you honestly think you’d get it back?”
A Light Triad guy might think for a moment and say, “Yeah, I think there’s a decent chance. Most people are pretty good, and someone would probably try to return it. I’d like to believe that.” That answer shows he expects honesty from others and believes people generally want to do the right thing.
A Dark Triad guy usually reacts very differently. He might laugh and say, “No chance. Someone would take the cash and toss the wallet. You’d be stupid to expect anything else. Everyone looks out for themselves.”
That response tells you a lot. He sees the world as a place where people are always trying to screw each other over. And if he believes that about strangers, he’ll likely believe it about his partner too. That mindset makes it much easier for him to lie, cheat, or justify bad behavior, because in his head, he’s just doing what everyone else would do anyway.
But honestly, what someone does in everyday moments tells you more than how they answer direct questions.
Watch what happens when you share good news. Does he light up with you, or does he somehow make it about himself or downplay it? A Light Triad guy will genuinely celebrate with you. Someone with darker traits almost can’t help turning it into a comparison.
Pay attention when something small goes wrong, like a server messing up an order. Does he stay patient and kind, or does he use that tiny bit of power to make someone feel small? How someone handles minor frustrations shows you their default setting.
Notice what happens when someone who needs help crosses his path. Does he pretend not to see the older person struggling with their bags? Does he walk right past someone who’s clearly lost? These unscripted moments show you whether his kindness is real or just for show.
And maybe the biggest sign of all is what he does when he could easily get away with something shady. Does he keep extra change when a cashier makes a mistake? Does he lie about small things just because it’s easier? Those little choices tell you whether his morals are actually part of him or just depend on who’s watching.
You’re not looking for a saint. Nobody’s perfect. What matters is the overall pattern. Does he usually lean toward kindness or toward using people? Does he believe people are mostly good or mostly out to get him? Is being nice just a strategy, or is it genuinely who he is?
This matters because guys who score high on the Light Triad are far less likely to cheat, much better at real intimacy, and much better at maintaining long-term relationships. They don’t just do the right thing when people are watching. They do it because that’s who they are.
That said, good guys can still cheat. Research actually shows that dark traits are much better at predicting who will cheat than light traits are at predicting who won’t.
So think of it this way: looking for the Light Triad helps you find someone who might truly be worth your time. But screening for the Dark Triad is what actually protects your heart.
Read More
Transcript
Alright, so we’ve spent all this time learning how to spot the red flags, the narcissists, the manipulators, the liars. But what about the opposite? What about the good ones? I don’t mean the ones who are just good at faking it. I mean the ones who are, deep down, genuinely good people.
In 2019, a researcher named Scott Barry Kaufman and his team decided to answer that exact question. After years of studying toxic personality traits, they asked something different: what traits do genuinely kind, emotionally mature people have?
What they found is something they called the Light Triad. You can think of it as the green-flag version of the Dark Triad.
It’s made up of three core qualities.
The first is something called Kantianism, which is really just a way of asking this: does he see people as human beings, or as tools to get what he wants? Someone high in this trait treats everyone with basic respect, whether it’s a CEO or the person clearing his table. His friendships are real, not just a network of people he can use. He values you for who you are, not for what you can do for him or how you make him look.
This connects directly to the next trait, Humanism. This is about a basic belief in the dignity of other people. You see it most clearly in how he handles conflict or power. Pay attention to how he talks about his exes or how he deals with drama at work. Does he stay respectful even when he’s angry? Can he disagree without trying to humiliate or destroy someone? Even when he doesn’t like a person, he still believes they deserve to be treated decently.
The foundation of all of this is the third trait, Faith in Humanity. This just means he believes that, at their core, people are mostly good. This isn’t about being naive or letting people walk all over him. It’s about not starting from a place of suspicion. He can trust the right people, build real connections, and still have healthy boundaries.
For a Dark Triad person, faking these traits is like wearing a heavy mask all day. It takes constant effort, and sooner or later, that mask slips. But for a genuinely good person, there is no mask. These traits are just part of who he is.
So the big question becomes: how do you actually figure out where someone falls on this spectrum?
This is where the research gets really useful. Researchers have identified questions that are surprisingly good at revealing these deeper traits. Some you can ask directly while you’re getting to know someone. Others are better kept in the back of your mind as you watch how he moves through the world.
Let’s start with a simple but powerful one: “What was the last nice thing you did for someone?”
Someone who genuinely has Light Triad traits will usually have a real answer. He might say something like, “Last week I saw my elderly neighbor struggling with her groceries, so I helped her carry them inside. We started talking, and now I check in on her sometimes to see if she needs anything.” There’s no angle there. He saw someone who needed help and helped. It even turned into a real connection because he actually likes people.
Now compare that to something like, “I bought my boss coffee last month. It’s smart to stay on their good side. They’ve been way more flexible with my schedule since then.” Hear the difference? That “kindness” was completely strategic. It was about what he could get out of it. For him, everything is a transaction, and that’s something to pay attention to.
Here’s another good one: “How do you feel when your friends succeed?”
A green-flag answer sounds like genuine excitement. “I was so pumped when Mick got that promotion. He worked so hard for it, and honestly, seeing him win makes me want to push myself more too.” He’s happy for other people and doesn’t see their success as a threat.
Now compare that to, “Yeah, Tom got a new job. Must be nice to have connections in that industry. I mean, good for him, but I could probably do even better if I had those opportunities.” You can feel the dig in that answer. He can’t just celebrate someone else. He has to compare, compete, or knock them down a little.
You could also ask something like this: “If you dropped your wallet with $200 cash in it, do you honestly think you’d get it back?”
A Light Triad guy might think for a moment and say, “Yeah, I think there’s a decent chance. Most people are pretty good, and someone would probably try to return it. I’d like to believe that.” That answer shows he expects honesty from others and believes people generally want to do the right thing.
A Dark Triad guy usually reacts very differently. He might laugh and say, “No chance. Someone would take the cash and toss the wallet. You’d be stupid to expect anything else. Everyone looks out for themselves.”
That response tells you a lot. He sees the world as a place where people are always trying to screw each other over. And if he believes that about strangers, he’ll likely believe it about his partner too. That mindset makes it much easier for him to lie, cheat, or justify bad behavior, because in his head, he’s just doing what everyone else would do anyway.
But honestly, what someone does in everyday moments tells you more than how they answer direct questions.
Watch what happens when you share good news. Does he light up with you, or does he somehow make it about himself or downplay it? A Light Triad guy will genuinely celebrate with you. Someone with darker traits almost can’t help turning it into a comparison.
Pay attention when something small goes wrong, like a server messing up an order. Does he stay patient and kind, or does he use that tiny bit of power to make someone feel small? How someone handles minor frustrations shows you their default setting.
Notice what happens when someone who needs help crosses his path. Does he pretend not to see the older person struggling with their bags? Does he walk right past someone who’s clearly lost? These unscripted moments show you whether his kindness is real or just for show.
And maybe the biggest sign of all is what he does when he could easily get away with something shady. Does he keep extra change when a cashier makes a mistake? Does he lie about small things just because it’s easier? Those little choices tell you whether his morals are actually part of him or just depend on who’s watching.
You’re not looking for a saint. Nobody’s perfect. What matters is the overall pattern. Does he usually lean toward kindness or toward using people? Does he believe people are mostly good or mostly out to get him? Is being nice just a strategy, or is it genuinely who he is?
This matters because guys who score high on the Light Triad are far less likely to cheat, much better at real intimacy, and much better at maintaining long-term relationships. They don’t just do the right thing when people are watching. They do it because that’s who they are.
That said, good guys can still cheat. Research actually shows that dark traits are much better at predicting who will cheat than light traits are at predicting who won’t.
So think of it this way: looking for the Light Triad helps you find someone who might truly be worth your time. But screening for the Dark Triad is what actually protects your heart.
Read More
Transcript
Alright, so we’ve spent all this time learning how to spot the red flags, the narcissists, the manipulators, the liars. But what about the opposite? What about the good ones? I don’t mean the ones who are just good at faking it. I mean the ones who are, deep down, genuinely good people.
In 2019, a researcher named Scott Barry Kaufman and his team decided to answer that exact question. After years of studying toxic personality traits, they asked something different: what traits do genuinely kind, emotionally mature people have?
What they found is something they called the Light Triad. You can think of it as the green-flag version of the Dark Triad.
It’s made up of three core qualities.
The first is something called Kantianism, which is really just a way of asking this: does he see people as human beings, or as tools to get what he wants? Someone high in this trait treats everyone with basic respect, whether it’s a CEO or the person clearing his table. His friendships are real, not just a network of people he can use. He values you for who you are, not for what you can do for him or how you make him look.
This connects directly to the next trait, Humanism. This is about a basic belief in the dignity of other people. You see it most clearly in how he handles conflict or power. Pay attention to how he talks about his exes or how he deals with drama at work. Does he stay respectful even when he’s angry? Can he disagree without trying to humiliate or destroy someone? Even when he doesn’t like a person, he still believes they deserve to be treated decently.
The foundation of all of this is the third trait, Faith in Humanity. This just means he believes that, at their core, people are mostly good. This isn’t about being naive or letting people walk all over him. It’s about not starting from a place of suspicion. He can trust the right people, build real connections, and still have healthy boundaries.
For a Dark Triad person, faking these traits is like wearing a heavy mask all day. It takes constant effort, and sooner or later, that mask slips. But for a genuinely good person, there is no mask. These traits are just part of who he is.
So the big question becomes: how do you actually figure out where someone falls on this spectrum?
This is where the research gets really useful. Researchers have identified questions that are surprisingly good at revealing these deeper traits. Some you can ask directly while you’re getting to know someone. Others are better kept in the back of your mind as you watch how he moves through the world.
Let’s start with a simple but powerful one: “What was the last nice thing you did for someone?”
Someone who genuinely has Light Triad traits will usually have a real answer. He might say something like, “Last week I saw my elderly neighbor struggling with her groceries, so I helped her carry them inside. We started talking, and now I check in on her sometimes to see if she needs anything.” There’s no angle there. He saw someone who needed help and helped. It even turned into a real connection because he actually likes people.
Now compare that to something like, “I bought my boss coffee last month. It’s smart to stay on their good side. They’ve been way more flexible with my schedule since then.” Hear the difference? That “kindness” was completely strategic. It was about what he could get out of it. For him, everything is a transaction, and that’s something to pay attention to.
Here’s another good one: “How do you feel when your friends succeed?”
A green-flag answer sounds like genuine excitement. “I was so pumped when Mick got that promotion. He worked so hard for it, and honestly, seeing him win makes me want to push myself more too.” He’s happy for other people and doesn’t see their success as a threat.
Now compare that to, “Yeah, Tom got a new job. Must be nice to have connections in that industry. I mean, good for him, but I could probably do even better if I had those opportunities.” You can feel the dig in that answer. He can’t just celebrate someone else. He has to compare, compete, or knock them down a little.
You could also ask something like this: “If you dropped your wallet with $200 cash in it, do you honestly think you’d get it back?”
A Light Triad guy might think for a moment and say, “Yeah, I think there’s a decent chance. Most people are pretty good, and someone would probably try to return it. I’d like to believe that.” That answer shows he expects honesty from others and believes people generally want to do the right thing.
A Dark Triad guy usually reacts very differently. He might laugh and say, “No chance. Someone would take the cash and toss the wallet. You’d be stupid to expect anything else. Everyone looks out for themselves.”
That response tells you a lot. He sees the world as a place where people are always trying to screw each other over. And if he believes that about strangers, he’ll likely believe it about his partner too. That mindset makes it much easier for him to lie, cheat, or justify bad behavior, because in his head, he’s just doing what everyone else would do anyway.
But honestly, what someone does in everyday moments tells you more than how they answer direct questions.
Watch what happens when you share good news. Does he light up with you, or does he somehow make it about himself or downplay it? A Light Triad guy will genuinely celebrate with you. Someone with darker traits almost can’t help turning it into a comparison.
Pay attention when something small goes wrong, like a server messing up an order. Does he stay patient and kind, or does he use that tiny bit of power to make someone feel small? How someone handles minor frustrations shows you their default setting.
Notice what happens when someone who needs help crosses his path. Does he pretend not to see the older person struggling with their bags? Does he walk right past someone who’s clearly lost? These unscripted moments show you whether his kindness is real or just for show.
And maybe the biggest sign of all is what he does when he could easily get away with something shady. Does he keep extra change when a cashier makes a mistake? Does he lie about small things just because it’s easier? Those little choices tell you whether his morals are actually part of him or just depend on who’s watching.
You’re not looking for a saint. Nobody’s perfect. What matters is the overall pattern. Does he usually lean toward kindness or toward using people? Does he believe people are mostly good or mostly out to get him? Is being nice just a strategy, or is it genuinely who he is?
This matters because guys who score high on the Light Triad are far less likely to cheat, much better at real intimacy, and much better at maintaining long-term relationships. They don’t just do the right thing when people are watching. They do it because that’s who they are.
That said, good guys can still cheat. Research actually shows that dark traits are much better at predicting who will cheat than light traits are at predicting who won’t.
So think of it this way: looking for the Light Triad helps you find someone who might truly be worth your time. But screening for the Dark Triad is what actually protects your heart.