Transcript
Have you ever heard someone say something like, “I’ve only been seeing this guy for two weeks and I’m already stressing that he’s losing interest”? Or maybe this one sounds more familiar: “I have a great career and I’ve dated amazing people, but after a few weeks I always feel trapped and start to pull away.” And then there’s the kind of loneliness that can creep in over time: “I’ve been married for years and feel completely alone. My husband works late most nights and spends the weekend watching sport.”
Three different stories. Same pattern underneath them. Attachment.
Back in 1987, two researchers named Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver they created a simple but brilliant experiment disguised as a "Love Quiz," which they published in a local newspaper. Take the quiz yourself now, read these statements and note which one feels most true for you:
"In romantic relationships I..."
A: find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me."
B: "I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being."
C: "I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person and this desire sometimes scares people away."
Take a second and choose the one that really resonates with your own experiences. Don't overthink it, just go with your gut feeling.
If you picked A, that’s called a secure attachment style. Around half of all people fall into this group. These are the people who find it natural to love and be loved. They can be close without losing themselves, they stay calm in conflict, and trust that the people they care about will be there for them.
Now, if statement B sounded more familiar, that’s an avoidant attachment style. Around 25% of people fall here. Avoidants tend to value independence over closeness. They might feel suffocated or trapped when a relationship starts getting serious, causing them to pull back because deep emotional closeness can feel like a loss of freedom or control.
And for those who felt a strong connection to C, that's known as an anxious attachment style. Roughly 20% of people are in this group. People with an anxious attachment style deeply crave closeness but constantly worry that their partner might not feel the same. They overthink texts, replay conversations in their heads and seek reassurance to feel calm and safe in the relationship.
When you understand your attachment style, it changes how you see everything. Because most of us focus on finding someone who looks good on paper, same hobbies, shared values, similar goals. But attachment theory shows that what really matters is whether that person makes you feel safe.
But here’s the problem, somewhere along the way, we all got taught that needing someone is a bad thing. Like, if you want closeness, you’re needy. If you need reassurance, you’re insecure. If you don’t “love yourself first,” you’re apparently not ready for love at all.
But needing someone isn’t weak. It’s human. We’re literally built to connect, to depend on each other. That doesn’t make you clingy. What makes you feel clingy is being with someone who doesn’t make you feel safe.
Something incredible happens when you're with a partner who actually shows up for you—who listens, offers support, and consistently makes you feel safe. You relax. You feel secure. And guess what? You actually end up needing less reassurance because the security is already there. It’s just like a little kid who feels confident enough to run off and explore the whole playground, simply because they know their mom is still watching from the bench. When you feel safe, you stop looking over your shoulder. You take bigger risks. You feel stronger. And that strength comes from secure connection.
Over the next three modules, we’ll break down each attachment style and how they actually show up in relationships. We’ll look at why anxious types often end up with avoidant men. We’ll also get into how avoidants cheat as a way to create distance, and why people with secure attachment are way more likely to stay loyal and steady in long-term relationships.
Let’s get into it!
Read More
Transcript
Have you ever heard someone say something like, “I’ve only been seeing this guy for two weeks and I’m already stressing that he’s losing interest”? Or maybe this one sounds more familiar: “I have a great career and I’ve dated amazing people, but after a few weeks I always feel trapped and start to pull away.” And then there’s the kind of loneliness that can creep in over time: “I’ve been married for years and feel completely alone. My husband works late most nights and spends the weekend watching sport.”
Three different stories. Same pattern underneath them. Attachment.
Back in 1987, two researchers named Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver they created a simple but brilliant experiment disguised as a "Love Quiz," which they published in a local newspaper. Take the quiz yourself now, read these statements and note which one feels most true for you:
"In romantic relationships I..."
A: find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me."
B: "I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being."
C: "I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person and this desire sometimes scares people away."
Take a second and choose the one that really resonates with your own experiences. Don't overthink it, just go with your gut feeling.
If you picked A, that’s called a secure attachment style. Around half of all people fall into this group. These are the people who find it natural to love and be loved. They can be close without losing themselves, they stay calm in conflict, and trust that the people they care about will be there for them.
Now, if statement B sounded more familiar, that’s an avoidant attachment style. Around 25% of people fall here. Avoidants tend to value independence over closeness. They might feel suffocated or trapped when a relationship starts getting serious, causing them to pull back because deep emotional closeness can feel like a loss of freedom or control.
And for those who felt a strong connection to C, that's known as an anxious attachment style. Roughly 20% of people are in this group. People with an anxious attachment style deeply crave closeness but constantly worry that their partner might not feel the same. They overthink texts, replay conversations in their heads and seek reassurance to feel calm and safe in the relationship.
When you understand your attachment style, it changes how you see everything. Because most of us focus on finding someone who looks good on paper, same hobbies, shared values, similar goals. But attachment theory shows that what really matters is whether that person makes you feel safe.
But here’s the problem, somewhere along the way, we all got taught that needing someone is a bad thing. Like, if you want closeness, you’re needy. If you need reassurance, you’re insecure. If you don’t “love yourself first,” you’re apparently not ready for love at all.
But needing someone isn’t weak. It’s human. We’re literally built to connect, to depend on each other. That doesn’t make you clingy. What makes you feel clingy is being with someone who doesn’t make you feel safe.
Something incredible happens when you're with a partner who actually shows up for you—who listens, offers support, and consistently makes you feel safe. You relax. You feel secure. And guess what? You actually end up needing less reassurance because the security is already there. It’s just like a little kid who feels confident enough to run off and explore the whole playground, simply because they know their mom is still watching from the bench. When you feel safe, you stop looking over your shoulder. You take bigger risks. You feel stronger. And that strength comes from secure connection.
Over the next three modules, we’ll break down each attachment style and how they actually show up in relationships. We’ll look at why anxious types often end up with avoidant men. We’ll also get into how avoidants cheat as a way to create distance, and why people with secure attachment are way more likely to stay loyal and steady in long-term relationships.
Let’s get into it!
Read More
Transcript
Have you ever heard someone say something like, “I’ve only been seeing this guy for two weeks and I’m already stressing that he’s losing interest”? Or maybe this one sounds more familiar: “I have a great career and I’ve dated amazing people, but after a few weeks I always feel trapped and start to pull away.” And then there’s the kind of loneliness that can creep in over time: “I’ve been married for years and feel completely alone. My husband works late most nights and spends the weekend watching sport.”
Three different stories. Same pattern underneath them. Attachment.
Back in 1987, two researchers named Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver they created a simple but brilliant experiment disguised as a "Love Quiz," which they published in a local newspaper. Take the quiz yourself now, read these statements and note which one feels most true for you:
"In romantic relationships I..."
A: find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me."
B: "I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being."
C: "I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person and this desire sometimes scares people away."
Take a second and choose the one that really resonates with your own experiences. Don't overthink it, just go with your gut feeling.
If you picked A, that’s called a secure attachment style. Around half of all people fall into this group. These are the people who find it natural to love and be loved. They can be close without losing themselves, they stay calm in conflict, and trust that the people they care about will be there for them.
Now, if statement B sounded more familiar, that’s an avoidant attachment style. Around 25% of people fall here. Avoidants tend to value independence over closeness. They might feel suffocated or trapped when a relationship starts getting serious, causing them to pull back because deep emotional closeness can feel like a loss of freedom or control.
And for those who felt a strong connection to C, that's known as an anxious attachment style. Roughly 20% of people are in this group. People with an anxious attachment style deeply crave closeness but constantly worry that their partner might not feel the same. They overthink texts, replay conversations in their heads and seek reassurance to feel calm and safe in the relationship.
When you understand your attachment style, it changes how you see everything. Because most of us focus on finding someone who looks good on paper, same hobbies, shared values, similar goals. But attachment theory shows that what really matters is whether that person makes you feel safe.
But here’s the problem, somewhere along the way, we all got taught that needing someone is a bad thing. Like, if you want closeness, you’re needy. If you need reassurance, you’re insecure. If you don’t “love yourself first,” you’re apparently not ready for love at all.
But needing someone isn’t weak. It’s human. We’re literally built to connect, to depend on each other. That doesn’t make you clingy. What makes you feel clingy is being with someone who doesn’t make you feel safe.
Something incredible happens when you're with a partner who actually shows up for you—who listens, offers support, and consistently makes you feel safe. You relax. You feel secure. And guess what? You actually end up needing less reassurance because the security is already there. It’s just like a little kid who feels confident enough to run off and explore the whole playground, simply because they know their mom is still watching from the bench. When you feel safe, you stop looking over your shoulder. You take bigger risks. You feel stronger. And that strength comes from secure connection.
Over the next three modules, we’ll break down each attachment style and how they actually show up in relationships. We’ll look at why anxious types often end up with avoidant men. We’ll also get into how avoidants cheat as a way to create distance, and why people with secure attachment are way more likely to stay loyal and steady in long-term relationships.
Let’s get into it!