Transcript
If you’ve been dating for a while, you’ve probably noticed a pattern with a lot of guys. You meet someone, and at first he’s completely into you. He’s romantic and thoughtful, always texting first and planning dates that show he’s been listening. You feel seen and like he’s genuinely invested in building something with you.
Then, a few months down the line, something changes. He starts to pull away. He says he needs space. The “good morning” texts disappear. If you ask what’s wrong, he says he’s “just tired” or “going through a lot.” You’re left spinning, trying to figure out what you did wrong.
This kind of pullback is really common in guys with avoidant attachment. Men are far more likely to be avoidant than women, mostly because so many were raised to shut down their emotions. They were told not to cry, not to be “too sensitive,” and to handle things on their own instead of leaning on anyone for support.
The confusing part is that in the beginning, being open and affectionate actually feels safe to them. There’s no pressure yet, no real expectations. So they can show up as their best selves. They’re charming, consistent, and attentive. It feels like they’re falling for you, and in that moment, they probably are.
But after a few months, usually somewhere between three to six, the relationship starts to feel more real. Commitment, emotional closeness, or even small conflict can trigger fear. It’s like an old wound gets poked, and a voice in the back of their head says, “This is too much. This isn’t safe.” They don’t know how to handle someone needing them emotionally, so they pull back to regain control.
That’s when they stop texting as much. They get vague. They seem less interested. Distance becomes their go-to move for dealing with discomfort.
And if you’re a caring, empathetic person, your instinct is to try to fix it. You reach out more, check in, and try to close the gap. But the harder you try to get closer, the more overwhelmed and suffocated they feel, which makes them pull back even more. This painful cycle is what psychologists call the anxious-avoidant trap. One person needs closeness to feel secure, while the other needs space to feel safe. The more each of you reacts from fear, the worse it gets.
Living in that cycle is exhausting. You start to feel disappointed, rejected, and invisible. Meanwhile, he feels pressured and misunderstood, thinking, “Nothing I do is ever enough, so why bother?” Eventually, he may shut down completely, leaving you feeling like you’re the only one still trying.
What makes this even more maddening is that many avoidant people genuinely don’t see the hurt they’re causing. There was a study from the University of Minnesota where couples were asked to look at photos of attractive people while their partner watched. Later, they were asked how they thought their partner felt. The avoidant partners were often clueless. Even when their partner was clearly upset, they said things like, “They seemed fine.” They literally couldn’t see the pain in front of them.
That’s the key. They’re not always trying to hurt you or ignore your feelings on purpose. They just don’t see them. They’ve spent a lifetime disconnected from their own emotions, so recognizing emotions in others is incredibly hard for them.
This is also why they often use humor to dodge real conversations. They joke, tease, and deflect. If they take it too far and you’re hurt, they say you’re “too sensitive.” If you ask for more connection, you’re “too needy.” If you bring up a problem, they insist everything is fine. In a way, they’re gaslighting themselves as much as you. Just like when they were kids and were told their scraped knee didn’t hurt, now they’re adults telling you your feelings aren’t real.
To cope with emotions they don’t know how to process, they stay busy. Really busy. They pour energy into work, the gym, or side projects, anything that keeps them from sitting with their feelings. Why deal with emotional closeness when there’s a deadline to hit? Why face vulnerability when there’s always something else to achieve? Work gives them control. The moment things feel too close, their brain flips a switch: “Too much. Focus on work.” So when he says he’s “just really busy lately,” what he’s often saying is, “I can’t handle getting closer right now.”
The hardest part is that most avoidant people do want love and connection. That’s what they’re looking for. But when things get real, their old defense mechanisms kick in, and they retreat to what feels safe: distance.
This doesn’t mean they can’t change. They can. But it takes serious self-awareness and real work, often with a therapist, to learn a new way of being in a relationship. They have to learn how to feel emotions, theirs and their partner’s, without hitting the eject button.
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Transcript
If you’ve been dating for a while, you’ve probably noticed a pattern with a lot of guys. You meet someone, and at first he’s completely into you. He’s romantic and thoughtful, always texting first and planning dates that show he’s been listening. You feel seen and like he’s genuinely invested in building something with you.
Then, a few months down the line, something changes. He starts to pull away. He says he needs space. The “good morning” texts disappear. If you ask what’s wrong, he says he’s “just tired” or “going through a lot.” You’re left spinning, trying to figure out what you did wrong.
This kind of pullback is really common in guys with avoidant attachment. Men are far more likely to be avoidant than women, mostly because so many were raised to shut down their emotions. They were told not to cry, not to be “too sensitive,” and to handle things on their own instead of leaning on anyone for support.
The confusing part is that in the beginning, being open and affectionate actually feels safe to them. There’s no pressure yet, no real expectations. So they can show up as their best selves. They’re charming, consistent, and attentive. It feels like they’re falling for you, and in that moment, they probably are.
But after a few months, usually somewhere between three to six, the relationship starts to feel more real. Commitment, emotional closeness, or even small conflict can trigger fear. It’s like an old wound gets poked, and a voice in the back of their head says, “This is too much. This isn’t safe.” They don’t know how to handle someone needing them emotionally, so they pull back to regain control.
That’s when they stop texting as much. They get vague. They seem less interested. Distance becomes their go-to move for dealing with discomfort.
And if you’re a caring, empathetic person, your instinct is to try to fix it. You reach out more, check in, and try to close the gap. But the harder you try to get closer, the more overwhelmed and suffocated they feel, which makes them pull back even more. This painful cycle is what psychologists call the anxious-avoidant trap. One person needs closeness to feel secure, while the other needs space to feel safe. The more each of you reacts from fear, the worse it gets.
Living in that cycle is exhausting. You start to feel disappointed, rejected, and invisible. Meanwhile, he feels pressured and misunderstood, thinking, “Nothing I do is ever enough, so why bother?” Eventually, he may shut down completely, leaving you feeling like you’re the only one still trying.
What makes this even more maddening is that many avoidant people genuinely don’t see the hurt they’re causing. There was a study from the University of Minnesota where couples were asked to look at photos of attractive people while their partner watched. Later, they were asked how they thought their partner felt. The avoidant partners were often clueless. Even when their partner was clearly upset, they said things like, “They seemed fine.” They literally couldn’t see the pain in front of them.
That’s the key. They’re not always trying to hurt you or ignore your feelings on purpose. They just don’t see them. They’ve spent a lifetime disconnected from their own emotions, so recognizing emotions in others is incredibly hard for them.
This is also why they often use humor to dodge real conversations. They joke, tease, and deflect. If they take it too far and you’re hurt, they say you’re “too sensitive.” If you ask for more connection, you’re “too needy.” If you bring up a problem, they insist everything is fine. In a way, they’re gaslighting themselves as much as you. Just like when they were kids and were told their scraped knee didn’t hurt, now they’re adults telling you your feelings aren’t real.
To cope with emotions they don’t know how to process, they stay busy. Really busy. They pour energy into work, the gym, or side projects, anything that keeps them from sitting with their feelings. Why deal with emotional closeness when there’s a deadline to hit? Why face vulnerability when there’s always something else to achieve? Work gives them control. The moment things feel too close, their brain flips a switch: “Too much. Focus on work.” So when he says he’s “just really busy lately,” what he’s often saying is, “I can’t handle getting closer right now.”
The hardest part is that most avoidant people do want love and connection. That’s what they’re looking for. But when things get real, their old defense mechanisms kick in, and they retreat to what feels safe: distance.
This doesn’t mean they can’t change. They can. But it takes serious self-awareness and real work, often with a therapist, to learn a new way of being in a relationship. They have to learn how to feel emotions, theirs and their partner’s, without hitting the eject button.
Read More
Transcript
If you’ve been dating for a while, you’ve probably noticed a pattern with a lot of guys. You meet someone, and at first he’s completely into you. He’s romantic and thoughtful, always texting first and planning dates that show he’s been listening. You feel seen and like he’s genuinely invested in building something with you.
Then, a few months down the line, something changes. He starts to pull away. He says he needs space. The “good morning” texts disappear. If you ask what’s wrong, he says he’s “just tired” or “going through a lot.” You’re left spinning, trying to figure out what you did wrong.
This kind of pullback is really common in guys with avoidant attachment. Men are far more likely to be avoidant than women, mostly because so many were raised to shut down their emotions. They were told not to cry, not to be “too sensitive,” and to handle things on their own instead of leaning on anyone for support.
The confusing part is that in the beginning, being open and affectionate actually feels safe to them. There’s no pressure yet, no real expectations. So they can show up as their best selves. They’re charming, consistent, and attentive. It feels like they’re falling for you, and in that moment, they probably are.
But after a few months, usually somewhere between three to six, the relationship starts to feel more real. Commitment, emotional closeness, or even small conflict can trigger fear. It’s like an old wound gets poked, and a voice in the back of their head says, “This is too much. This isn’t safe.” They don’t know how to handle someone needing them emotionally, so they pull back to regain control.
That’s when they stop texting as much. They get vague. They seem less interested. Distance becomes their go-to move for dealing with discomfort.
And if you’re a caring, empathetic person, your instinct is to try to fix it. You reach out more, check in, and try to close the gap. But the harder you try to get closer, the more overwhelmed and suffocated they feel, which makes them pull back even more. This painful cycle is what psychologists call the anxious-avoidant trap. One person needs closeness to feel secure, while the other needs space to feel safe. The more each of you reacts from fear, the worse it gets.
Living in that cycle is exhausting. You start to feel disappointed, rejected, and invisible. Meanwhile, he feels pressured and misunderstood, thinking, “Nothing I do is ever enough, so why bother?” Eventually, he may shut down completely, leaving you feeling like you’re the only one still trying.
What makes this even more maddening is that many avoidant people genuinely don’t see the hurt they’re causing. There was a study from the University of Minnesota where couples were asked to look at photos of attractive people while their partner watched. Later, they were asked how they thought their partner felt. The avoidant partners were often clueless. Even when their partner was clearly upset, they said things like, “They seemed fine.” They literally couldn’t see the pain in front of them.
That’s the key. They’re not always trying to hurt you or ignore your feelings on purpose. They just don’t see them. They’ve spent a lifetime disconnected from their own emotions, so recognizing emotions in others is incredibly hard for them.
This is also why they often use humor to dodge real conversations. They joke, tease, and deflect. If they take it too far and you’re hurt, they say you’re “too sensitive.” If you ask for more connection, you’re “too needy.” If you bring up a problem, they insist everything is fine. In a way, they’re gaslighting themselves as much as you. Just like when they were kids and were told their scraped knee didn’t hurt, now they’re adults telling you your feelings aren’t real.
To cope with emotions they don’t know how to process, they stay busy. Really busy. They pour energy into work, the gym, or side projects, anything that keeps them from sitting with their feelings. Why deal with emotional closeness when there’s a deadline to hit? Why face vulnerability when there’s always something else to achieve? Work gives them control. The moment things feel too close, their brain flips a switch: “Too much. Focus on work.” So when he says he’s “just really busy lately,” what he’s often saying is, “I can’t handle getting closer right now.”
The hardest part is that most avoidant people do want love and connection. That’s what they’re looking for. But when things get real, their old defense mechanisms kick in, and they retreat to what feels safe: distance.
This doesn’t mean they can’t change. They can. But it takes serious self-awareness and real work, often with a therapist, to learn a new way of being in a relationship. They have to learn how to feel emotions, theirs and their partner’s, without hitting the eject button.